Confession: I Am Grumpy.

I really needed a little extra humor today so I wrote the following...

It was suppose to snow last night. But instead of enjoying a nice day indoors, being lazy and watching TV, winter slapped Abilene with its frozen dandruff that was scratched off of its bitter cold scalp, lightly dusting our streets, sidewalks, and front yards (places that should have been the glorious containment receptacles of the reason why I should have been able to sleep in). After realizing that I had to go to work today, and ruining my plans of world couch domination, I made the decision to sleep late anyway. This decision came in spite of the incessant nagging of the female who was next to me…my clock radio Mrs. Clockington. Mrs. Clockington use to be Miss Clockington but one day I found her on the floor next to a my wristwatch…and …well…it was the respectable thing to do, even though she is much older. I got out of bed at 7:14 and had to be at work by 7:30. The only thing worse than a nagging female “clock” is a nagging female “clock” that is always right.

To make my mood so delightfully better (sarcasm…thickly laid) when I woke up, I had a headache; one of those recurring tards that has manifested behind my right eye. Though my wife has repeatedly assured me that I am a paranoid hypochondriac, I am almost positive that my headache is caused by a benign brain tumor that is also the reason I have been smelling so much blue as of late. I think it is pressing on my auditory nerve causing me to randomly hear people calling my name behind me. Surely it won’t be much longer before there is an MRI app for my iPhone. Then I could wave over my head and finally know…that I am right and my wife is wrong (times infinity). “Wwaoown waoown waoown KAK KAK KAK!” – This is the most accurate sound description of an MRI that has ever been articulated in a blog, and possibly the most accurate ever put into sound words (I could have written for the original Batman – BLAZAMOH!)…prove me wrong I dare you!

My wife says I can be grumpy and while I would like to argue and tell all of the reasons why I am a delightful and happy person who enjoys kettle corn, a friendly bumper pool competition, and soaking up sunshine, she is right…I am grumpy. But I am not the Grinch grumpy or Ebenezer Scrooge grumpy (It is a well known fact that Christmas grumpy is the absolute worse kind of grumpy. People who are Christmas grumpy are also the same people who hate puppies, like the taste of English food, and scream at infants). I just like things a certain way (FOR THE LITTLE SANITY REMAINING IN THE WORLD!, will someone please tell me why Jersey Shore is still on the air?!) and I am most certain that most people (there are a few exceptions) are not as intelligent as me (politicians, people who work for or are involved with the news media, Mrs. Clockington, the list goes on). I am more of a Carl Fredricksen kind of grumpy. All Carl needed was to befriend a chubby Asia kid that stowed away on the front porch of his house that had been converted into a flying contraption due to the attachment of thousands of balloons, fly to a magical land filled with mystical creatures and talking dogs that he and his late wife had always dreamed of visiting, and defeat his childhood hero who seemed to be the same age as Carl even though he was already an adult when Carl was a small child. Carl really warmed up by the end of the movie...I just wanted a little extra snow last night.

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