Lost

written 7/1/03

No matter what I do I am lost in this world, entangled in a web of material wealth. Just when I think I have found my way out all light turns to darkness and all I see around me is a living hell that makes my mind hurt, my soul burn, and even more than that my heart break. When I think I have found my hope an exit from insanity through relationships but the vanity of it demands the damnation of the thought.

My friends abandon me forcing me to walk alone. And those I reach out to offering my heart and love in its most primitive evolving form. They take my heart and shatter it. My fragile heart is shattered into thousands of shards of glass only for the shards of my heart to be blown in my face, cutting and scraping it, mutilating it beyond recognition, and forcing me to bleed tears. I hide my face and the shattered pieces of my heart only to finally get it pieced together and experience the pain all over again.

So I have no friends no one beside me holding my hand. Further I am lost wondering blind and alone. I look around and see others taking the exit ramp off the highway that has me trapped hurtling at dangerous velocities only to find a tunnel ahead forcing me back into darkness that traps me in my nightmare called life. Their exits are found in drinking drugs and sex. At times their windows out appeal to me and I think the reality of the situations calls me to follow but in the end there is only turmoil because in their window it doesn’t matter what where or who you wake up to and the overwhelming sensation of pain is even more evident.

So I continue through this wormhole of life wondering, waiting, hoping, and praying for mercy for pity for someone to look on me and show me my exodus, to tell me everything is alright. But no one is their I am crying into the darkness not knowing if my cries fall on deaf ears or if I am just telling the devouring creatures where to find me.

The concerns of this world are not of me. Why should anyone have concern if my being lost for I am not someone else. I cannot be the person you all so blindly see. All I am is me and for the rest of you that isn’t good enough. So I waste away wondering aimlessly and alone lost in my own self rejection. My exodus shalln’t come and my demise is inevident.

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